Why Me?

Don’t we all ask that question when we are diagnosed with a chronic condition? We have an overwhelming feeling of being let down by our God, the universe, the powers that be. We wallow in self pity, depression sets in and we withdraw from society. At least this was my route.

I took it hard when I was diagnosed with each and every one of my illnesses, but I think the worst disease I have and would wish to be rid of the most is Type 2 diabetes. I have no control over this monster. I read, I try to learn, I’ve gone to classes, I know nothing about this illness to this day. It eludes me. I’ll eat right and my blood sugar numbers are still too high, I eat wrong and my blood sugar numbers are still too high. I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to diabetes. Or what it is doing to me!

I take my medication as prescribed and yet my blood sugar is always too high. I do not have the ability to exercise due to my other illnesses, but I move around and get house chores done, when I’m able . I don’t know that it would help me at this point anyway.

My eating habits are out of control, I’m sure of that. I like food. I love food. It was drilled in my head as a child, that when you are sick, you have to eat to get well. I was a sickly child and very skinny. That skinny kid is still in there with those words ingrained in her mind. I’ve tried to overcome that way of thinking, but it is hard to change something your mother said to you nearly every day for the first 8 years of your life.

I need a nutritionist or coach to help me find my way. I need a psychologist to help me, but there are none available in my area. I saw one for 22 years and she retired, we never managed to conquer my eating habits. We were more centered on PTSD, anxiety and depression and the ability to get back out in society.

I’ve done research on various websites. http://www.diabetes.org/ is a good starting place, but it doesn’t explain to me the physiology behind diabetes in a way I can understand it, or why I have it in the first place.

Plus, I have a hard working husband to feed and if he wants meat and potatoes, he deserves to have meat and potatoes. I on the other hand, should not have potatoes, but they are so good! Oh, but I can have small amounts of carbs. That’s like telling an alcoholic they can have small amounts of alcohol. I’m addicted to carbs.

It’s a never ending battle between the carbs and the blood sugar numbers. I’m not good at fighting, but I’m trying. I eat a lot of salads and love blue cheese dressing, so I’m fairly safe with a salad. But my blood sugar still runs high.

All of this information makes me believe I have Cushing’s syndrome, because with Cushing’s syndrome, blood sugar is uncontrolled. So my efforts may not be in vain, but be caused by yet another illness that is near impossible to diagnose. It can take years to diagnose Cushing’s syndrome and one needs an endocrinologist to do the bidding. Again, none in my area.

Looks to me like I need to move! If only it were that simple. Until I get a diagnosis of Cushing’s I will keep trudging along with my diabetes and doing the best that I can with the diet and occasionally ask “why me?”.

~Peace