Grief And Giving Thanks

Yesterday I attended my Uncle’s funeral. It was a hard day to say the least. I saw cousins I haven’t seen in years, they were all grieving the loss of the man who had raised them, nurtured them and taught their children vital life lessens. He was one of my favorite uncles when I was a child, but as he aged he became a little more outspoken than I cared for. This didn’t stop the fact that I was grieving for the man he once was. He always gave me the impression, as a youngster, that he was a jet-setter, a high-roller. He walked the line of alcoholism, but was fun-loving and care free.

I learned more about hot-rods from him than anyone else, as he owned a Oldsmobile 442 convertible when I was young and he allowed me to drive it when I was only 16. It was like living a dream. I loved that car, it’s pep, with the top down would always turn heads. My uncle was a free spirit when in that car.

Though he had a family of 4 daughters, that he cherished, his grandchildren became his pride and joy in his later years. He taught the ones that wanted to learn how to handle and shoot guns, he designed a firing range at his property in the country and taught concealed handgun classes along with my Dad. The two of them shared the love of guns and grew up only 2 years apart, which made for a great amount of companionship when neighbors were few and far between.

At the funeral, a graveside service, I witnessed his grandchildren fall apart, his children fall apart, but what broke my heart the most was to see my 86-year-old Father fall apart. It took me aback. I thought before the funeral that he had a grasp on things, but when they started playing Amazing Grace and my Dad broke down, knowing he had lost his life long buddy, it really tore me up.

If you have followed this blog, you know that I am not in good health. I lied to everyone there and told them I was doing good, when in actuality, I am a mess. Both physically and mentally. My mind rests on my Dad and his wife’s well-being as they are both in poor health, and this causes me a lot of stress. As for my body, the constant standing and walking to meet and greet everyone was very taxing. I have developed diabetic neuropathy in my legs and they are letting me know today just how much I am not allowed to do when it comes to walking and standing for long periods of time. It will take days if not a week to get my legs to stop hurting again. How many of you can function on a day-to-day basis with constant pain? It isn’t easy to carry on with such pain. Nor is it easy to carry this load of emotions that I have in my heart. My Dad was 2 years older than my Uncle and they both suffer/ed from the same aliment, COPD. As frail as my Dad was yesterday, I can only hope that he recovers from this loss and gets back to his physical therapy that seems to be helping his breathing a great deal. As for his wife, she tends to work herself to a breaking point to make sure others are well taken care of. I worry a great deal about her, she is my second Mom and I love her dearly.

I live out-of-town from my Father and must travel to get to him. This worries me. Thankfully one of my step sisters came into town and is staying with them for a few days to help them out. She is a gem and I’m so thankful for everything she does for them. When I am unable to be there, she can make it and take care of things that I would not be able to handle. If she can’t make it another step sister that lives closer can take charge. I am blessed to have them in my life.

I did get to visit with some of my cousins and see strengths that I know I will not have when I have to go through the loss of my Dad. One is particular has been through so much in her life and yet she was a pillar of strength. Yes, we cried together, but it was short-lived, we then visited about various things that warmed my heart. If she only knew how much I looked up to her, I think she would be surprised. As a youngster, I idolized her, she was the one I wanted to follow around the most, the one that I thought was the very best of all cousins, but she wanted to follow the older kids and I wasn’t allowed to. Her strength through her loss is amazing, and she will live with her Mom while transitioning into widowhood. This gives me comfort, knowing she is there to take care of my Aunt, who seems very frail right now. A quiet woman, but when she does talk, people listen.

I am so blessed to have the family I have. To be a part of such love and kindness, gratefulness and understanding. I hope that each of you that read this find some solace in any grief you may suffer. It is a hard thing to deal with, but it is necessary to heal.

~Peace

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Pray for Texas

I’m writing today to ask that everyone pray for Texas. Houston, Galveston, Beaumont and Port Arthur are the main towns highlighted on the news, but there are many smaller rounded-glossy-black-icon-culture-state-texastowns between all of those that were hit just as hard and we need to remember them in our prayers.

I spoke with my son very briefly yesterday, he is a firefighter in Beaumont and things were very grim there. He had been working since 5pm on Tuesday evening and did not think he would be back home until Friday, if he got to come back home then.

We need to remember our hero’s as they work hard and go without sleep to help those in need. But do not forget all of the volunteers that have chosen to take off work and go searching for people to rescue with their own equipment.

So please pray for Texas and the hero’s that are working diligently to rescue those that are caught in flood waters.

 

How much more can I take. Part 2

Sigh. I tell you, I have been put through the wringer this year. And now my family is being affected. I just got off the phone with my son and he told me my grandson is having heart issues. They are doing blood work and he will see a pediatric cardiologist in about 2 weeks, but thankfully my son was home when the incident happened and he was able to hear it and take notes for the doctor. Seems his heart rate was very high and he felt like his heart was pounding out of his chest. He is NINE! It is amazing that he felt anything as active as he is but he felt it and reported it to his mom. Now to wait for the test results to come back and hope that it is just an imbalance of electrolytes.

Up until today, I have dealt with the surgeries, the possibility of carpal tunnel surgery, I have that test done on the 5th of September and my 5th surgery will be on Tuesday the 29th. Oh, that’s the 5th surgery for THIS year alone!

Let me tell you about the 4th surgery, wow! It was a simple cataract surgery, people have them everyday and it should have gone just fine, but me being me, well, it didn’t go as planned. The doctor hit a blood vessel on his way in with the needle to deaden my eye and it caused my eye to hemorrhage. They had to apply an extreme amount of pressure which caused a horrific black eye. Not just around the eye, but the eye-ball itself was black. It was hard to look at the first time I saw it when my husband took the bandage off, but I knew it would get better and go away eventually. I still have some purple under my eye and that seems to draw some attention to people who give accusing looks towards my husband. That really burns me up. Just ask me what happened, don’t assume something!

You want more disasters? I’ve got them. Our bank account was hacked. The hackers got away with 6 transactions to a Food Lion. I had never heard of Food Lion up until now. Luckily the bank refunded our money and was able to stop payment on the electronic checks they wrote. Oh but it gets better, I have received 6 notices from a collection agency telling me I have to pay for the transactions that the bank stopped payment on or they will pursue legal action. My nerves can’t take much more.

So I go in on Tuesday for my right eye cataract surgery, I am a LOT comprehensive. There is always the chance they will hit another blood vessel and give me a horrible black eye again, but there is also the very good chance they won’t. I’m choosing to believe that everything will go good with this surgery and the healing will take less time so I can get my glasses adjusted. I have astigmatism, so I will have to continue to wear glasses. I’m ok with that. I’m hoping that colors will be brighter once both eyes are done. I have a bit of color blindness and I hope that will go away too, but I don’t think it will since I have had it for so long.

I have been trying to take care of myself. Moving around as much as possible, keeping with my restrictions from surgeries and trying not to gain any weight. I’ve actually lost 6 pounds, what a positive! I needed a positive to come out of all of these events.

Take care of you and please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers in advance.

~Peace

 

How much more can I take?

I’ve been absent from this blog for a while now. I’ve spent some time writing a few daily prompts, but I have not felt like doing that of late.

I’ve had 4 surgeries this year. I’m tired, so very tired and I have 1 more surgery to go to finish it up. But that is not really what is bothering me. I have started going to a new diabetic doctor. He is intimidating and that is not something I usually allow to happen to me. I usually speak my mind and fight for what I want, but this doctor has a way of making you feel inferior. I don’t like him. I don’t like his office staff, they too try to make you feel inferior. But, in this small town, he is the only actual endocrinologist and I need his expertise so I’ve been trying to suck it up and mind my manners, but today, I lost my cool.

I went and picked up new prescriptions and my insulin. I was surprised that my insulin was $100 cheaper than normal, but accepted it as something great and didn’t question it. ALWAYS QUESTION IT! I got 2 vials of insulin for that $100 where as I usually get 6 vials for $200. A huge difference. I was hot! Why would they only prescribe 2 vials of something I am going to have to be on for the rest of my life? It made no sense to me! Why not try to save me some money as much as possible? And WHY do dope heads get free drugs and we sick people have to struggle to make ends meet? Oh I’m on a soapbox now!

I know everyone has heard it before, so I will step off the soapbox, but dang it, it just isn’t fair and I’ve been through too much this year to have to deal with incompetent office staff and/or doctors. I always try to give a new doctor time to get to know me and my allergies, as I get to know their idiosyncrasies. But this bunch of idiots has me stymied.

AND after 1, ONE, new pill, I’m sick to my stomach. I hate being sick to my stomach. I can handle a lot of issues, pain, going to pee 20 times a day, sleeplessness, but an upset stomach worries me because I don’t know whether to put something on it or avoid everything. I took the pill with food, so that tells me that adding food isn’t going to help. Oh the dilemmas I face. ha! I need to stand back and take a good hard look at things. There are many people out there that have things much worse than I do. Someone is actually throwing up while I’m just fussing about a belly ache. I must find the positive. This new doctor is trying to get my diabetes under control. He is trying to get my vitamin D levels back up and he is trying to help me feel better. I must remember these things even though he has a weird attitude and his office staff are less than efficient. I will survive this, as I will survive the next surgery, making my total 5 this year. I think I will get to rest after that. I hope I will anyway. Pray for me if you are a prayer and if not, send me positive energy. I need all of the positive reinforcement I can get right now.

~Peace

 

Help Me See The Invisible

Reblogging on Invisible Illnesses. Such a powerful story. Thank you!

RabBits

It’s one of the most popular burger places across from Stanford University in Palo Alto. I stepped in the long line to order and a woman with an 11-year old boy got in line behind me. She warned her son several times to be patient, yet she was a tad bit irritated herself. A mother-son verbal conflict arose, complete with that’s not fair versus a you don’t always get what you want speech.

At first, I just listened. The boy was on verge of a chaotic meltdown, and honestly, I thought she should make good on her promise to take him straight home if his impatience continued.

But then…

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Blog Networking: 8/2/17

Reblog on Invisible Illnesses

Dream Big, Dream Often

blog_01

Blog networking is one of the most undervalued and underused strategies for most.  But I believe it is at the core for growing a blog.

You will find links in this post to help eliminate some of the work; all you have to do is LIKE, COMMENT and FOLLOW others. The more you network with other blogs, the more other blogs will network with you!

Dream Desire Achieve

Better Twogether

Not A Grouch

Kim Knight – Author

Avon 365

Single Girls Rock

Blog of a Mad Black Woman

Aria-Bella Rises

Cyranny’s Cove

Tripping Through Treacle

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Daily Prompt – Fragrance plus 24 more words

As I sit to write, quill in hand, I can not help but think about the things accomplished and the things still remaining to endure for this year.  A year already half way past.

I have let this blog lay dormant for 25 days just to challenge my writing skills by using the daily word prompt for each of the past 24 days.

So strap on your seat belt, as I bumble my way through this disastrous caper that is my life.

With three surgeries behind me, for this year alone, I refused to tether myself to my recliner. I have a little moxie that might not be seen by all. I have had to grit my teeth plenty this year, but don’t scamper away, I have more to come.

At the age of 54, I have had 34 surgeries. But I must bury my fears and sail through two more, this year. I had put off going to the eye doctor during my earlier 3 surgeries just because I was tired of seeing doctors but the headaches had become too much and my vision was failing, so recently I went. It seems I have cataracts. The eye surgeon will shatter, then pluck with savage suction, the lens from one eye on the 8th of August. He will then place a new lens, tailor made for my eye. As that eye heals, I will become a passenger of the recliner, as much as I hate it.

I will not be able to jangle or dash around the house cleaning like I have been doing of late. I will have to remain still, so research has warned me, so the new lens does not move. I’ll sit back and savor new color and visibility from one eye until it is time to do the second eye surgery.

I’m very nervous about this procedure. I have worried one of my very best friends about it for weeks now. But I have to remind myself of what I have endured and what I am capable of enduring. Those two things are nowhere near each other.

I think having brighter vision will allow me to smell the fragrance of colors. So I’m ready at the gate to get this done and behind me. My eyes should harmonize again. Won’t that be great? I think so. It will be like growing a lollipop from edible soil.

This one is written for Jo Ann at Fearless. She always tells me I am creative when it comes to using the daily prompts. Please go visit her blog, she’s a wonderful person and has a book out!

Today’s daily prompt is traditional. I have to say, I did not write a traditional blog today. I hope you enjoyed.

~Peace

Magnet – Daily Prompt

What a sunny day it was today, too dang hot for me, but I went out on the porch and got some fresh air anyway. While going out, my sweet dog Chloe was laying near the doorway and I didn’t get the door opened wide enough. My hip scraped against the door facing and of course a cringe of pain was went through me. It was not an illusion of pain, but real pain, nearly dropping me to my knees.

I believe this right interstim is closer to the surface than the left one, leaving what feels like a paper thin layer of skin covering it. I do not know for sure if this is true, it is still too tender to really press on it for a good exam by myself. I will return to my local doctor in a few weeks. I know there is nothing that can be done about the placement of it because once you commit, you are set.

So I when I wheel over to the doctor in a couple of weeks I will not be as sore and he will be able to exam the surgical site much easier than I can, although I have placed my hand over it many times to make sure it is not getting a fever due to infection. So far so good.

Here’s a tidbit of information you probably did not know. A magnet will turn the interstim off. So when I am not feeling the stimulation, I know I have got too close to a security post at the store, or rubbed against a magnet at some point. Weird huh?

I have to say that the interstim is working wonderfully. I am very happy that I have these two devices that help me function and keep my pain at a lower level.

~Peace

Loop – Daily Prompt

Over the past week, post surgery, I am finally feeling relieved. My interstim is working, allowing me to visit the bathroom less times per day. But getting to this point was a challenge.

I was so sick after surgery. I have never been sick after surgery. What started out as a little dizziness changed to a blossom of chaos. I had my bottle of pain pills, but could not keep them down.

In my easy chair my husband had helped me create a comfortable sitting position with pillows around me, but the loop of throwing up would not subside.

I had to call my favorite paramedic, who always has a bag of necessary medications with him. He arrived and had to meddle into my medical history of the day, what they gave me, where they had the IV and then he voiced his opinion on how horrible a job the nurse did at placing the IV. Within seconds, he had a vein and administered the necessary medication to break the loop of throwing up episodes. I was able to rest easy for a few hours.

Now, nearly a week later, I’m feeling so much better. I am still weak and have to watch what I do, can’t lift, bend of stoop, but I can do for myself and that makes all the difference in the world.

~Peace

Total – Daily Prompt

I have not been around lately, as much as I would like to be. I have been so sick with my IC (interstitial cystitis). I had an interstim die and had to have it replaced yesterday. This was the last of three surgeries in as many months.

After yesterday’s surgery I was sick to my stomach, dizzy and unable to function properly. They claimed it was the anesthesia. But I thought maybe it might be the volume of antibiotics they had to give me, which makes me weary of taking the antibiotic pills I need to take. The total of which will be 14 days worth.

The last interstim I had replaced, in October of 2016, was not this bad, but the antibiotic pills I had to take sent me to the emergency room because I was unable to stop throwing up and became dehydrated.

I would have ended up in the ER yesterday afternoon had it not been for my personal paragon paramedic. He was able to administer some anti-nausea medication with a single puncture of my skin. Something some nurses could stand to learn. It was gentle and I barely felt the prick. Afterwards, I began to feel the nausea taper off.

This morning, I am feeling a bit queasy and a lot anxious about taking the antibiotics. But I have to take them to keep my body from rejecting the implanted interstim. It is a vicious cycle.

They claim, (they being the researchers,) that IC causes pain comparable to what cancer patients feel, but since I’ve never had cancer, and pray I never do, I will not compare it to cancer. However, the upset stomach is comparable to a virus and we have all had those, it knots up in your stomach and then you toss your cookies…wonderful!

I will say that with this new interstim, I am already finding relief from my urgency and frequency of urination. This is a huge positive! Now to find relief from the stomach-ache associated to the surgery and to antibiotics that I take, starting today.

~Peace

 

Triumph – Daily Prompt

Come Thursday, I will be dressed in a natty hospital gown, going in for what I hope is my last surgery for along time. I like the hospital I will be in, the floors are always at a high gloss polish, the sheets always feel crisp and new. The nurses are tender and thoughtful. I will triumph over this surgery and begin my 6 weeks of healing. It will be a revelation of change from the other surgeries I have had recently because this one requires a scalpel.

The hospital may sound like it is a sterile place to go, with everything looking so spiffy. But it is not. It is a dangerous place, where nurses and doctors take risks every day, walking through blood, infection splatters, or other bodily fluids. These fluids stick to their shoes and carry on over the nicely polished floors, so never walk barefoot in a hospital. Wear the socks they give you, or take some slippers to wear. I always wear the same comfortable dress with a tank top underneath and some slip on sandals. I do not want to feel bound up by pants or elastic after surgery.

This particular surgery will be to replace my right interstim that I have had for 5 years. There will be scar tissue and unpleasantness involved  in this surgery so my pain management doctor was kind enough to increase my pain medication for the month ahead.

I work well with my doctors, and feel safe in their hands. I am beginning to look forward to the surgery as it will mean my bladder will feel better and I will stop going to the bathroom as often. Everything is going to come out positive.

~Peace

Uniform – Daily Prompt

portion brassy imaginary distant uniform

A portion of me is ready for next Thursday, the day I have surgery to replace my Medtronic interstim. I had the left one replaced in October of 2016, but the right one still had some juice in it. By that, I mean it was still strong. They are actually batteries that send out electric pulses to my sacral nerve, stimulating it to fool the brain into believing the bladder is not in spasms. Having two means they work in unison of each other and are placed as far a distance apart as possible, one in each hip/buttocks area.

I do dread the pain afterwards, as it will be very hard to move around and do daily functions without severe pain. I also dread one part of the hospital where there is a brassy tech that I do not like to deal with.

None of this is imaginary, it is all science and super for interstitial cystitis, this disease where there is no known cause and no known cure.

I have not been feeling well lately. I’ve had to many doctor’s visits and too many tests ran. I feel like tired and weak. I will only have a week of rest after surgery before having to go to another doctor’s appointment. This makes me tired just thinking about it. I will do my best to sleep as much as possible during that week so my body can recover and hopefully not develop any infection. Though I do not know what antibiotic they will be able to give me, I had an allergic reaction to the last antibiotic they gave me, my arm was bright red and swollen.

Oh the fun of being me. I should wear a uniform all the time that lets people know I am ill, then maybe I wouldn’t get the looks of disgust I get when I park in a handicapped parking place. I do dare them to say anything to me, though.

I have no positives today, I am too tired to think of any. Please forgive my negativity.

~Peace

 

I Posted a Page – Migraine

I just posted a page called Migraine. You can find it under “Invisible Illnesses”. I will be trying to add more pages in the near future.

My main focus, of late, has been on selling Avon. I needed to supplement the family income, but few have ordered. I may have to stop selling, as I am selling more to myself than to anyone else.

I suffer from migraines and have a page under “My Invisible Illnesses” titled My Migraines. There you will find out how I handle my migraines and what works best for me. Mine tend to radiate down my neck in most cases. I know that when I have a migraine I often times wish my head would detonate and remove itself from my body. But that is not going to happen, it just feels like it will.

These pages will remain on my website for all to read at your leisure.

~Peace

I only need 8 more customers!

Avon 365

I need 8 customers to place orders this campaign to reach the goal I have set for myself. I’m reaching out to all of my followers, facebook friends and family, twitter followers, and tumblr followers, I need YOU to place an order by Wednesday the 31st for me to reach my ultimate goal for this campaign.

So rush madly to my Avon estore and place those orders! I NEED you!

~Peace

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Infuse – Daily Prompt

Infuse, reprieve, survive – Daily Prompts

It has been nearly a week since I had my cystoscopy with hydrodistention. I was so concerned about going under, so afraid I would not survive this time. But as the time drew nearer, I had a reprieve in my thought pattern and realized I would feel much better after the surgery. After they infuse the bladder with the numbing medication, one would think you would wake up with no pain at all, but that is not the case, you are in extreme pain. Your bladder has just been reset, so to speak. It has been stretched beyond its limits and scar tissue has been broken apart. It has been taken out of it’s constricted state and reset to its normal state, whatever that might be for an IC patient.

I do not regret having the cysto/hydro, but I wish it had been closer to the date of my interstim replacement. The doctor had me scheduled for the 8th, but has bumped it to the 15th. He has to go out of town on the 8th. I will survive until then. I have my IC diet to keep my bladder calm until then. I have my IC diet to keep my bladder calm afterwards as well.

It is imperative that I maintain a bland diet to keep the flares away. I showed you what my bladder looked like in my last post. It was horrible, but maybe you did not get that all the blood vessels and blotches of blood were not supposed to be there because you did not see a normal bladder to compare it to. A normal bladder is smooth and does not have enlarged blood vessels or bloody blotches. While the IC bladder is riddled with bloody spots and enlarged veins and blood vessels. I will include pictures of both in this post.

I’m looking forward to the 15th, I will have a new interstim that should last at least 4 years, maybe 5 if I can run it a lower wattage. I really consider these things to be a miracle in the IC world, though some do not agree with me. For me, they have been a miracle.

~Peace

1bladder 5.22.17   Normal bladder

Impression – Daily Prompt

I feel like an unmoored boat adrift in the sea. I have so much going on. This doctor, that doctor, this test, that test, this surgery, that surgery. I need a catapult to get me from one place to the other in time for my appointments. All of these doctors appointments are taking away from my blogging time! It is leaving a negative impression on my stats.

To top it all off, some want to change appointment times with me and that causes me to have to rearrange the rest of them. My next surgery date was for June 8th, but has been moved to June 15th. I had tests scheduled for then, but had to move them to earlier in the month so I can have the testing done by my endocrinologist appointment on June 22.

Too much going on right now. I also have my grandson’s 8th birthday coming up. I have no idea what to get him, he has everything. I may just give money this year. I don’t know what to get him, any ideas?

My Avon blog needs more followers and customers too. Or you can go directly to my Avon Estore and make a purchase, it would help me greatly right now with all of the traveling I’m having to do for doctors appointments, I could use the gas money. I don’t sell door to door, only online because I’m just too sick to go door to door. I want this venture to work, so any help you can provide would be great, sharing with your friends and family would be wonderful! I appreciate you in advance!

~Peace

Campaign 13 – Become My Customer!

Avon 365

It is time for YOU to become my customer!

Shopping for Avon online is the new way to get your favorites and try some awesome products. I love being able to take my time and read about the products before placing them in my shopping cart.

I have tried the new Skin So Soft shave oil and it is marvelous. It moisturizes while youp93 shave! With shea butter extract, vitamins A and E for the closest most comfortable shave.

Great comfort in a lighter-than-shaving-cream formula that creates a silky smooth glide. Transforms into a creamy lather on wet skin.

BENEFITS
• Moisturizes and leaves skin feeling soft
• Enriched with shea butter extract and vitamins A and E

HOW TO USE
• Massage a few drops onto wet skin before shaving and rinse off after shaving

On sale for $6.99

There are so many wonderful products, it is hard for me…

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An IC Bladder Image

Today I had a cystoscopy (a camera in my bladder) with hydrodistention (my bladder filled to capacity with medication) to help reset my bladder from being in a constricted state. The procedures always go together and are an actual surgery. I’ve had many of these done and they help with pain, frequency and urgency once the bladder settles down from the procedure.

I am in quite a bit of pain at this point in the day, the medications have worn off from the hospital and I’m back on my normal pain pills that are mild in comparison.

I write because I want people to see what an unhealthy bladder looks like. My doctor provided me with pictures of the inside of my bladder. All I can say is, no wonder I’m in pain!

Today was a bit trying, I was already nervous about being put under again so soon but almost instantly when they nurse started the antibiotic IV, my arm started turning red with an allergic reaction. It continued from the IV site to about 6 inches up my arm and around my arm, they stopped the antibiotic, gave me Benadryl and put ice on my arm until the redness subsided. Then they started it again and did the procedure.

When I woke up my arm was again wrapped in ice and whelped up worse than before. The nurse told me she could not believe they kept giving me the medication and she threw it in the trash and told me to write it on my allergy list. I had to stay in the hospital long enough for my arm to clear up, then I was allowed to leave, but there are still whelps on my arm, just not redness.

So when you look at this picture, notice the lighter spots, those are the color of a healthy bladder. A healthy bladder does not have any blood lines showing or blotches.

With no known cause or cure, it is very frustrating and painful to deal with this disease.

1bladder 5.22.17