I’m tired, so very tired. I try to keep up with the family and enjoy our time together, but I can’t. I become lethargic and the brain fog sets in. I get so exhausted so quickly. I often wonder if I will ever have any energy again. I take supplements to help but they just make my bladder hurt, so I don’t take them daily. B12 really hurts my badder. I’ll try breaking it into quarters next to see if that helps any.
I used to be vibrant, alive and fast paced. Now I’m the slowest of the bunch. Dragging behind in everything, from playing games to carrying on a conversation. My thoughts become muddled, misconstrued at times. Only my husband can completely understand what I say all the time and understands my struggles to be involved and communicate coherently. When around people, I have to stop and think before I speak to make sure I have the right words so I do not offend anyone, though that is not my intention, some wear their feelings on their sleeves and I have to walk on egg shells around them. I prefer not to be around those people. And that causes hurt feelings. It makes me tired, exhausted, from all the worry of stepping on toes, or not stepping on toes by not attending functions. It’s a no win situation.
Thankfully, I am at a crashing point. I can forget all of it and put it behind me and rest. Christmas is over, no more obligations, no more disappointing people, no more trying to feel good when I don’t. I always say, New Year’s is my favorite holiday because no one expects anything from me. I don’t have to go anywhere, do anything in particular or buy anything specific. My husband and I will have our simple meal together and relax in front of the TV.
Don’t get me wrong, as so many people do, I enjoy the time I spend with others, I just don’t feel like I fit in because I’m struggling to keep up with the pace of everyone else.
Being chronically ill is a hardship I have to bare, I’ve adjusted my life around it, but not everyone takes it into consideration all the time and I push myself to a breaking point to keep up. I have learned to say, “no”, but I can not always implement it. There are circumstances that require a “yes”, no matter how I physically feel.
I guess if my illnesses were not invisible, people would have more consideration towards my plight, but presently, the invisible illnesses are just that, invisible. Invisible to those I love. To those I need to understand and to those that are too young to understand.
I will be going back to the doctor soon for another test for Cushing’s Syndrome. If they could prove I have it, I feel things would become better for me along the way as it gets treated. It’s hard to ‘wish’ for a disease but it is hard not to considering the illnesses it might remove from my list should they remove a Cushing’s tumor.
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Do you know how hard it is to watch a loved one suffer? I have watched my husband suffer with a chronic pain in his hips and left calf for years now. We finally found a doctor to diagnose the problem. Peripheral Artery Disease, or PAD. He recently went through a procedure that removed the 100% blockage from his left leg and returned blood flow. He is feeling much better now. His hips still hurt him when he walks too far, but his leg is no longer bothering him. I was worried sick. Literally. I’m a high strung person when it comes to worry and stress. Though he was not worried, I worried enough for both of us and our son.
It was up to me to take care of the dogs, feed and water, make sure there weren’t any accidents from our elderly dog and tend to all the household chores, after spending all day at the hospital with my husband, these simple tasks were monumental for me. Needless to say, the household chores did not get done. I managed to microwave myself some food, but did not get the dishes done. I was so tired and still worrying because he was not home with me where he belonged.
Our elderly dog, Chloe, was worried too. When I took her out to tinkle, she noticed his truck was home, but he was not, she fretted all night about him coming home from work. Neither of us slept well.
The following day gave us much relief, he was released from the hospital and allowed to resume almost all activities. Mostly, keeping me sane. I fell apart once we were home, and went straight to bed. Between fibro and IC, I was a wreck. I had stressed so much about his health that I over looked my own. My blood sugar was too high, my body was rebelling, but he was home and I could fall apart, so I did. Chloe on the other hand was excited and followed him all around the house. She’s a daddy’s girl.
It’s been two days now and I’m still achy and having to take medication for pain. My bladder is in a flare-up and my back has started having spasms. I do deep breathing exercises, sniff calming essential oils, take my medications, but nothing can ease the mind when my husband is incapacitated.
I welcome comments on how you cope with such turmoil.
It’s 3:40 a.m. and I’ve already had my cup of coffee for the day. I should not be up this early, and I will end up back in bed, exhausted. I’m always exhausted. I can’t seem to get enough rest, no matter what time I go to bed, or get up. I attribute this to having to go urinate all the time. Every 2 hours without fail, at night. (Much more often during the day.) I finally wake up enough that I don’t even try to go back to sleep. And I have things on my mind. Christmas for one. I don’t want to celebrate it with a crowd of people. I want it to be an intimate celebration with my husband. But we’ve been asked to attend the family gathering, out of town, and I don’t think we are going to make it.
My husband has to have a procedure done on Tuesday the 20th. He has 100% blockage in his left leg artery. He will need to rest afterwards and not be worried with driving. I don’t drive much because I take too many medications. Even if he does feel well enough to make the trip. I will not. I have stressed about his procedure so much that I will “crash” afterwards and be sick for about 2 weeks. That’s what my nerves do to me.
I’ve been told not to worry, but that is like telling a sapling not to grow. It is my nature, I am a worrier. I have always been and will continue to be, no matter what anyone says. I’ve suffered trauma, but that isn’t the reason I worry. It is part of me, worrying. The trauma just made it worse. It caused anxiety. I hate that word, but I have serious anxiety. I take medication for it, but it breaks through the medication and I have to do deep breathing exercises to get me through it. I know I will have many anxiety attacks before the doctor comes out and tells me everything is fine.