Hi everyone, I haven’t been present the last few days. I’ve been depressed and avoiding the computer and the activity that keeps me sane. So yes, I’ve lost track of the days and my sanity. Deep breaths here. Now, I think I can carry on.
I found a lump in one of my breasts back on the evening of February 5th and I’ve been unable to get a mammogram or any kind of testing done to get it checked out since. Either my doctor’s office won’t cooperate, or the imaging center can’t get it together, but I’m about to lose my mind. I’ve tried keeping busy with my crafting. I make junk journals and they help relieve some of the tension, then I get tired and have to go lay down for a while and my brain goes in to over drive and I lose track of all rational thoughts. So I rest my eyes a bit and then get back up to craft again. It’s a vicious cycle.
Today was a little different. The doctor’s office got it right, the imaging center got it right, then the insurance got it all wrong, so I may never get a exam to diagnose this lump. It’s so frustrating and I hate waiting for someone to call me back, it drives me crazy!
On to better news. My granddaughter, a sophomore in high school, has been recognized for her outstanding work in school and the community and she was on the front page of the news paper today. Not just on the front page, but taking up nearly all of the front page, her picture is huge and she is so beautiful! I can’t tell you how proud I am of her and her accomplishments thus far. She will go far in her education, I just feel it. She also runs track and does very well in the sport. They are in the season right now for it and she runs the mile, I think. My son told me what she runs, but I sometimes lose what he tells me before I get to write it down. Whatever distance she is running, she is doing well with it. My heart is full when it comes to her accomplishments.
My grandson is accomplished this semester too! He has some minor disabilities that have hindered him in the past but he is on track now to a successful year of school. His grades are up and he might actually make the A & B honor roll this year. That would be outstanding for him. Again, my heart is overflowing with pride.
I want to be around for a very long time to see my grand kids grow up and to do that, I need to be as healthy as I can, unfortunately, the odds are not in my favor. I presently feel so disgusted with everyone in the medical field because I can’t get the tests I need to see if what the lump could be. More than likely, it is nothing, but until they actually tell me that, I will worry. Deep breathes again and again, just don’t take away my worrying. I will keep trying to relax and think positive, but it is getting hard. I hate waiting on people and that’s what I’m doing, waiting on someone to call me with an appointment and hope that I can go soon to get the test ran that tells me I am fine.
Keep me in your positive thoughts and I’ll try to post more at a later date. Today’s word just caught my attention and I needed to vent a bit. Thanks for reading. Have a great day.
I’m currently working on two junk journals as art projects. They are journals to write in but full of items of a junk nature that you might otherwise have thrown away. Like old tea bags that have been cleaned and stamped on, or scraps of paper of any nature that you might come across that fit to the theme of the journal.
The theme of one journal is nature. It is full of flowers, butterflies, bugs, gardens and things that are just beautiful to me. I will be able to write in it in various areas around these beautiful pictures and make this journal a beautiful place to express my feelings or my goals and dreams. Whatever the nature of your desires to write in a journal, having one that is homemade is more pleasing than a store bought one, at least that is my opinion.
It won’t take me long to make them. I already have the book parts made, by removing the guts of old books and putting in my own pages, and covering the old books with fabric and paper, I have a very pretty journal coming along nicely and a very dark journal coming along as well. I will add things to them that affect my day to day living and things that give me comfort… or pain. They will be about me, for me and for my eyes only. The dark journal will be about depression in nature. The things that put me in a bad place and hold me there with me fighting to get back on a positive track. And the pretty journal will be what brought me out of that dark place. But I think I need to know the nature of my darkness before I can fight it efficiently.
I actually know many things during this time of year that have happened in the past that have made it a hard time of year for me, but I have made it through years in the past and not been affect like I am being affected this year. I’m down this year, and I’ve got to find the bottom-line nature of this depression. I’m thinking it might be my current health that is causing the problem and not anything from the past that is doing it to me. I just don’t know, but I want to find it and get rid of it and be back to my positive self. I can do this. I know I can. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. No matter the nature of the issue.
I like the word of the day writings. It makes me think about things a little differently than I would normally. It makes me pick apart my sentences and find their meaning and while doing so, I manage to read between the lines and see some issues that I’ve been avoiding, or have over looked that might be things I’m not dealing with properly. This gives me the idea to start writing immediately in my journal(s) to get the thoughts down and start working for the solution. Just that alone is a positive. Working to help oneself is a positive, even though I’m still down in the dumps, I can work towards a positive outcome. And that’s the nature of this post, to find a positive outcome. Have a great day, think positive thoughts and take positive action. Peace! ~Tina
I have to say I don’t have a lot of relations with face to face friends any longer. I used to have a lot of friends, but they all faded away as life took me more towards doctor’s appointments and took them more towards a normal life. I miss my friends, but I keep up with them on Facebook. Thank goodness for social media!
I do have good relations with my doctors, I know them, I am friendly with them and I try to always be pleasant with them. There is one that I am upset with right now, but I’m sure we will work through it during my next therapy session. I think that one always gets upset with their therapist at one point or another.
I also have decent relations with my illnesses. I know they are the boss and I abide by their rules and I live fairly well. If I don’t abide by their rules, I’m stuck in the bed, or in my recliner being miserable and wishing i had followed those rules.
There are all sorts of relations one can have. Relations with God, and yes I have one. I don’t think I would still be here if I didn’t have one. I would have swallowed several bottles of pills by now, but with Him in my life, I’m alive and though I’m not well, I’m a lot better off than I could be.
I hope you have a great day today and have relations with something positive in your life today, it will make a difference in so many ways. So stop what you are doing and think of something positive that can lift your mood and make you feel better all at the same time. It works! I’ll keep preaching it for as long as I can. Peace! ~ Tina
I suffer from multiple invisible illnesses, I have shared this with you already, but the most bothersome for me is my interstitial cystitis or IC. It causes urination frequency and it tries to drive me crazy. I can be deep in thought, working on something that is taking all of my energy and bam, I have to stop and go urinate. I can’t get through the grocery store without having to go twice, unless I ride the scooter. It will save me one trip to the bathroom. The urgency can be bad too, but the frequency is what really gets me the most. So many times, so often, so many times, over and over again, I get so tired of going to the bathroom. My doctors don’t want to believe me when I tell them I sleep 1.5 hours at night and then I have to get up and go urinate, then I’m wide awake for a while, play on my tablet or check my email and finally I can go back to sleep for another 1.5 hours of sleep. But I never get good restful sleep. My bladder will have me up running to the bathroom in no time.
It is a weird disease, not known cause, no known cure and so many suicides due to it and it’s pain. The pain can be as harsh as a stage four cancer patient’s pain. Luckily I have two sacral nerve implants that help with my pain, one is supposed to help with my frequency and urgency, but I think it only helps with the urgency and forgot about the frequency. I’m lucky to have the pain relief though, I thank my lucky stars for it because I already have things going on that make me suicidal, I don’t need anything else.
And so…I try to think of the positive in it all. I’m happy I don’t have the pain that most people have when suffering with IC. I’m happy I don’t have the urgency and when I do start having the urgency, I go to the dr and he does a quick surgical procedure and it goes away. I usually have this done twice a year. It usually accompanies pain that I can’t adjust away with my implant remotes so we kill two birds with one stone. It is necessary to have the procedure to keep me healthy. The frequency, I’ll live with. Going to the bathroom 20 to 25 times a day is not that bad once you get used to it.
Have a great day today. Make it YOUR day and find a positive in all you do. I’ve been failing at finding positives lately, but I’m trying to keep my head up. Peace! ~ Tina
I approve this message. I hear this over and over on the television. The candidates are always saying this after they have done their campaigning. Why do they have to say this? If they are the ones saying it, of course they approve it. It’s silly to me. That’s my political comment for the day.
On another note, I’ve been trying to occupy my mind with things that make me happy. I’m having a hard time at it. My psychologist told me that I’ve been holding on to my PTSD too long and it’s time for me to get over it. I do not approve this type of statement. It is hurtful, it is unreasonable, it is down right unprofessional for her to say such a thing and I will be confronting her next visit.
I witnessed a fatal stabbing, something that devastated me and changed me, completely! I went through such severe bouts of depression and fear that I wouldn’t go outside my house except to get to my therapist who was actually helping me, but it wasn’t the therapist I’m seeing now. I don’t approve of the one I’m seeing now, but she is the only one that will take my insurance, that I can find, and she is 150 miles away from me. My husband has to drive me that far away so I can sit for 1 hour and be lectured on why I should be over my PTSD by now. I hate to tell her that it isn’t going away. And since she said that, it has gotten worse, I’m having flashbacks, nightmares and am down right scared to death that I will be set out into the world without a therapist because they don’t want to deal with me any longer. Yes, it has been a very long time, but does it ever really go away? I mean in reality, does it go away? Have the Vietnam Vets lost their PTSD? How about the Dessert Storm Vets? How about the WWII Vets? 911 victims? I don’t think so! So why should I be required to get over my PTSD because I was the only one in a large area of workers that was affected by it? I wasn’t. I was just the only one that reported it and got help. I heard of other people being affected by it. I heard that they struggled with depression and anxiety and found other jobs, but they didn’t get help like I did. I was in a job position that allowed me to get help that didn’t allow them to get the same help. I won’t give up my therapy due to one idiot therapists suggestion. I will find another therapist if need be, but I won’t give up. I’m not over this and I don’t approve of her thinking I should be over it.
Thank you for reading my post. I have very little positive when it comes to this issue. Well, I can’t think of any positive. It brings me down, it hurts me and it makes me depressed to think of it. I’ll close now, have a good day and thank you again for reading my post. ~ Tina
My husband and I would love to take a journey to Alaska, but the fact that I wasn’t born with wings plays an issue in this journey, I’m not flying! Nope, no way, no how! We would drive the dusty roads from Texas to Alaska or I won’t go and that’s a long way for 2 old folks that have a lot of aches and pains. We have talked about this journey many times and mapped out our course, but it comes down to money and time spent away from our doctors. I have to see 2 of my doctors once a month. I could not see one of them for a month, but the other one, I have to have some meds from him, so I don’t know how that would work.
I still dream of the journey though, the drive up, seeing all the sights as we go and taking our time looking at landmarks and visiting all the great parks. We have a new truck, we would just have to stop at a motel every night and that is tiresome. I’m not fond of motels, you never know if you are getting a good, clean room, or something yucky.
But once we got there, we could visit the sites of Alaska, hopefully take a cruise and see the whales and journey through the icebergs and see all the animals and maybe even a bear! I’d love it, but how would I feel? I feel decent about 15% of the time, and traveling like that would make me feel worse. Traveling always takes so much out of me. I just don’t think I could make the journey and be worth anything once we reached out destination. Or would I stay hyped up throughout the time we were there and then fall apart and crash with all my flares once we got back home? It’s a real guessing game and a super gamble that I’m really scared to take. It would be so hard on us to journey that far from home and then both of us go down for a week and have to live in a motel for that duration until one of us felt like driving so we could head back home. It could be devastating.
We have thought of getting a motor home, that would take away motels and give us freedom to be ill if it came to that. We could find RV parks along the way and stay more than one night if needed, or journey on the next day, depending on our health. And I’d have the all important bathroom on board at all times so we wouldn’t have to stop for bathroom breaks every hour and a half or less. I can make it an hour and a half if I’m sitting and being still, sometimes, but not often. I think we will keep this journey on the thinking side of things and hope that someday we work it out so we can go see Alaska, but we can’t do it right now, it just isn’t possible. Shame too, there are so many beautiful things to be seen up there.
Sigh. I’ll keep dreaming! And I’ll keep collecting pamphlets on the great state of Alaska along with plotting our journey for someday. Peace! ~Tina
As I sit to write, quill in hand, I can not help but think about the things accomplished and the things still remaining to endure for this year. A year already half way past.
I have let this blog lay dormant for 25 days just to challenge my writing skills by using the daily word prompt for each of the past 24 days.
With three surgeries behind me, for this year alone, I refused to tether myself to my recliner. I have a little moxie that might not be seen by all. I have had to grit my teeth plenty this year, but don’t scamper away, I have more to come.
At the age of 54, I have had 34 surgeries. But I must bury my fears and sail through two more, this year. I had put off going to the eye doctor during my earlier 3 surgeries just because I was tired of seeing doctors but the headaches had become too much and my vision was failing, so recently I went. It seems I have cataracts. The eye surgeon will shatter, then pluck with savage suction, the lens from one eye on the 8th of August. He will then place a new lens, tailor made for my eye. As that eye heals, I will become a passenger of the recliner, as much as I hate it.
I will not be able to jangle or dash around the house cleaning like I have been doing of late. I will have to remain still, so research has warned me, so the new lens does not move. I’ll sit back and savor new color and visibility from one eye until it is time to do the second eye surgery.
I’m very nervous about this procedure. I have worried one of my very best friends about it for weeks now. But I have to remind myself of what I have endured and what I am capable of enduring. Those two things are nowhere near each other.
I think having brighter vision will allow me to smell the fragrance of colors. So I’m ready at the gate to get this done and behind me. My eyes should harmonize again. Won’t that be great? I think so. It will be like growing a lollipop from edible soil.
Today’s daily prompt is traditional. I have to say, I did not write a traditional blog today. I hope you enjoyed.
I have not been around lately, as much as I would like to be. I have been so sick with my IC (interstitial cystitis). I had an interstim die and had to have it replaced yesterday. This was the last of three surgeries in as many months.
After yesterday’s surgery I was sick to my stomach, dizzy and unable to function properly. They claimed it was the anesthesia. But I thought maybe it might be the volume of antibiotics they had to give me, which makes me weary of taking the antibiotic pills I need to take. The total of which will be 14 days worth.
The last interstim I had replaced, in October of 2016, was not this bad, but the antibiotic pills I had to take sent me to the emergency room because I was unable to stop throwing up and became dehydrated.
I would have ended up in the ER yesterday afternoon had it not been for my personal paragon paramedic. He was able to administer some anti-nausea medication with a single puncture of my skin. Something some nurses could stand to learn. It was gentle and I barely felt the prick. Afterwards, I began to feel the nausea taper off.
This morning, I am feeling a bit queasy and a lot anxious about taking the antibiotics. But I have to take them to keep my body from rejecting the implanted interstim. It is a vicious cycle.
They claim, (they being the researchers,) that IC causes pain comparable to what cancer patients feel, but since I’ve never had cancer, and pray I never do, I will not compare it to cancer. However, the upset stomach is comparable to a virus and we have all had those, it knots up in your stomach and then you toss your cookies…wonderful!
I will say that with this new interstim, I am already finding relief from my urgency and frequency of urination. This is a huge positive! Now to find relief from the stomach-ache associated to the surgery and to antibiotics that I take, starting today.
portion brassy imaginary distant uniform
A portion of me is ready for next Thursday, the day I have surgery to replace my Medtronic interstim. I had the left one replaced in October of 2016, but the right one still had some juice in it. By that, I mean it was still strong. They are actually batteries that send out electric pulses to my sacral nerve, stimulating it to fool the brain into believing the bladder is not in spasms. Having two means they work in unison of each other and are placed as far a distance apart as possible, one in each hip/buttocks area.
I do dread the pain afterwards, as it will be very hard to move around and do daily functions without severe pain. I also dread one part of the hospital where there is a brassy tech that I do not like to deal with.
None of this is imaginary, it is all science and super for interstitial cystitis, this disease where there is no known cause and no known cure.
I have not been feeling well lately. I’ve had to many doctor’s visits and too many tests ran. I feel like tired and weak. I will only have a week of rest after surgery before having to go to another doctor’s appointment. This makes me tired just thinking about it. I will do my best to sleep as much as possible during that week so my body can recover and hopefully not develop any infection. Though I do not know what antibiotic they will be able to give me, I had an allergic reaction to the last antibiotic they gave me, my arm was bright red and swollen.
Oh the fun of being me. I should wear a uniform all the time that lets people know I am ill, then maybe I wouldn’t get the looks of disgust I get when I park in a handicapped parking place. I do dare them to say anything to me, though.
I have no positives today, I am too tired to think of any. Please forgive my negativity.
Infuse, reprieve, survive – Daily Prompts
It has been nearly a week since I had my cystoscopy with hydrodistention. I was so concerned about going under, so afraid I would not survive this time. But as the time drew nearer, I had a reprieve in my thought pattern and realized I would feel much better after the surgery. After they infuse the bladder with the numbing medication, one would think you would wake up with no pain at all, but that is not the case, you are in extreme pain. Your bladder has just been reset, so to speak. It has been stretched beyond its limits and scar tissue has been broken apart. It has been taken out of it’s constricted state and reset to its normal state, whatever that might be for an IC patient.
I do not regret having the cysto/hydro, but I wish it had been closer to the date of my interstim replacement. The doctor had me scheduled for the 8th, but has bumped it to the 15th. He has to go out of town on the 8th. I will survive until then. I have my IC diet to keep my bladder calm until then. I have my IC diet to keep my bladder calm afterwards as well.
It is imperative that I maintain a bland diet to keep the flares away. I showed you what my bladder looked like in my last post. It was horrible, but maybe you did not get that all the blood vessels and blotches of blood were not supposed to be there because you did not see a normal bladder to compare it to. A normal bladder is smooth and does not have enlarged blood vessels or bloody blotches. While the IC bladder is riddled with bloody spots and enlarged veins and blood vessels. I will include pictures of both in this post.
I’m looking forward to the 15th, I will have a new interstim that should last at least 4 years, maybe 5 if I can run it a lower wattage. I really consider these things to be a miracle in the IC world, though some do not agree with me. For me, they have been a miracle.
I feel like an unmoored boat adrift in the sea. I have so much going on. This doctor, that doctor, this test, that test, this surgery, that surgery. I need a catapult to get me from one place to the other in time for my appointments. All of these doctors appointments are taking away from my blogging time! It is leaving a negative impression on my stats.
To top it all off, some want to change appointment times with me and that causes me to have to rearrange the rest of them. My next surgery date was for June 8th, but has been moved to June 15th. I had tests scheduled for then, but had to move them to earlier in the month so I can have the testing done by my endocrinologist appointment on June 22.
Too much going on right now. I also have my grandson’s 8th birthday coming up. I have no idea what to get him, he has everything. I may just give money this year. I don’t know what to get him, any ideas?
My Avon blog needs more followers and customers too. Or you can go directly to my Avon Estore and make a purchase, it would help me greatly right now with all of the traveling I’m having to do for doctors appointments, I could use the gas money. I don’t sell door to door, only online because I’m just too sick to go door to door. I want this venture to work, so any help you can provide would be great, sharing with your friends and family would be wonderful! I appreciate you in advance!
As you have come to know me, you have figured out I’m notorious for writing about my illnesses. I sometimes need to vent and this blog is a good place to do so. I do apologize to those that get tired of reading about it but it is not a farce when I descend into the depths of depression due to total fear.
Monday May 22th – Cystoscopy with Hydrodistention to try to reset my bladder and get it out of its constricted position. Break up some scar tissue and allow it to function better, which means going less often to the bathroom.
Between May 22nd and June 22th, I must have a thyroid ultrasound, 2 cortisol tests, a slew of blood work and make sure it all gets to my endocrinologist before my appointment.
But, on June 8th, I will have my right interstim replaced. This is a hard surgery to go through, it is very painful afterwards.
Now that I’ve told you my timeline, let me explain why I am so afraid. I have been put under so many times but never so close together. I was put under April 3rd, will be put under May 22nd and then again June 8th. I worry about waking up!
If there are any anesthetist out there that can reassure me that my fears are uncalled for, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.
I am on the precipice of defeat. Tuesday my right interstim died, yesterday our air conditioner died. I checked my blood pressure at just the right time to see the numbers be way too high. But stress will do that to you. I had visions of the AC man not having the parts to make the repair, or the need for repair being so extensive that we wouldn’t be able to afford it, but it had to be done because I can’t live in the heat. My pounding headache is proof of that.
Let’s review: I have a surgery scheduled for Monday the 22nd. My right interstim died on Tuesday and they can’t do both surgeries at the same time, so I’m told. I have to see the Medtronic representative today for confirmation that the interstim is dead and to set up a surgery day. I’m seeing a new endocrinologist that needs a thyroid ultrasound and Cushing’s testing along with a lot of blood work, within a month. Plus he put me on a new medication that is making me feel weak. So after surgery, whether I’m feeling like it or not, I have to go get testing done for the endocrinologist the following week. I am overwhelmed.
And I’m not going to lie, I had to look up this word of the day. I had never heard it. I do enjoy learning new things, that’s my positive for the day.
I have some tests to get done before my next appointment with my endocrinologist. I am also scheduled for a cystoscopy with hydrodistention on the 22nd of May. But, and that’s a big but, last night my right interstim died. It is an implanted battery with wire leads going into my spine to stimulate my sacral nerve to control the function of my bladder and it helps me with pelvic floor dysfunction too.
So, I have to see a Medtronic representative to confirm that it is in fact dead before going under the knife. Hopefully that will happen this coming Thursday after I pre-register for my cystoscopy and hydrodistention at the hospital. Oh the things I have on my plate are numerous.
Depending on the time they can get me in to do a replacement surgery will depend on when I can get a thyroid ultrasound for the endocrinologist and the other tests he has me scheduled to do before seeing him again on the 22nd of June. And timing is key because the tests have to come back from the lab in time for my appointment with him. All of that along with eating correctly which is near impossible when I’m stressed because I’m a stress eater.
There is no positive in this situation. My blood pressure check this morning showed a high number, my blood sugar was nearly 300 and I’m freaking out about the time line and being put under twice so close together.
I usually don’t have any qualms with being put under, but I’ve never been put under close together before, it is usually 6 months at least. I was just put under on April 3rd, so this is sooner than usual on the 22nd of May and then the replacement of the interstim. I asked the nurse if they could do a collaboration and get them both done while I was under and she said no. Why? Because they have to flip me onto my stomach to do the implant surgery, oh the pain those surgeries cause.
This is my only positive, I managed to get yesterday’s and today’s daily prompt words worked into my writings.
While proofing this, I thought of my positive, I have a great support system in my husband and son. And since blogging, I have a great support system with my fellow bloggers. Thank you for your good thoughts and prayers.
Yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself and barely found a positive about having so much going on medically right now. I have to face up to the fact that not everything has a silver lining, but there are tiny things, if I search them out, that can get me through. For instance, the hospitality of the medical staff I am usually around. So many of the staff, nurses, doctors, etc. are ever rude or distasteful. I do have a couple that are, but I don’t see them very often. And the ones I have coming up in my overloaded calendar are all nice people. We chit-chat and I can ask them anything medical and they are kind enough to answer with detailed information. I found this true with my new doctor this past week too. Very thorough and thoughtful.
I think if one tries to be on their best behavior around their medical staff, they will be treated wonderfully. I always try to give good answers to the questions I am asked and I try to be polite and considerate of their feelings as humans, not just as workers.
It really pays off in the long run to be hospitable to those caring for you, no matter your situation or pain level. They get it and will help you if you are not nasty to them. So be kind to get it in return.
As if I haven’t been through enough, my diabetes is so out of control that my new endocrinologist was concerned as to exactly what medication might work for me since I’ve had so many allergic reactions. He carefully looked at my medical history that I provided. (My own personal sheet of paper I keep handy.) He commented I had been through a great deal in my life. I agreed. He also thought I was/am a prime candidate for Cushing’s syndrome. Not that I want to add another disease to my list, but this would explain my uncontrolled diabetes and high cholesterol. He took 2 medications away and added 2, increased one and put me on the very strict diet that does not mesh with my very strict IC diet.
Today is my first day on the new medications, one is pink, I have felt very tired and listless. I slept a lot and ate very little today, so far. I haven’t noticed any side effects from the new medications, but it is early yet. I always dread new medications because of the side effects.
I have to get a thyroid ultrasound, Cushing’s syndrome test and a lot of blood work before my next appointment in a month. I will already have gone through my cystoscopy with hydrodistention before I see him again, so maybe I will not have to be taking so many pain pills.
I have to say I’m tired, very tired. My calendar is full of tests dates and office visits. Adding another doctor to the mix really filled in my calendar and I’m one that hates to get out more than once or twice a week. It will be like a rat running a maze.
Final thought – I’m going to lose weight and get my diabetes under control. I will have to figure out a way to exercise without causing an IC flare, that is a bit scary but it needs to be done to complete the above goals. I wish I had more energy to be excited about it. Either way, it will have a positive outcome.
I have unfortunate news, the surgery I had last month did not do what it was supposed to. I have a very sick bladder, by that I mean a badly diseased bladder. It causes me great pain and discomfort and sometimes the cystoscopy with hydrodistention does not do the “reset” it is supposed to do. I only had a temporary two-day pain-free stint, instead of a years worth of bearable pain. I’m right back to the bad pain I had before the April 3rd procedure.
As it was explained to me today by my urologist, I have a such a diseased bladder that it is in a constant contraction, causing me to go urinate more often than one should go and it causes great pain because it is constantly contracted. The hydrodistention fills the bladder with fluid, stretching it out, breaking the contraction and causing it to reset to a normal function. The cystoscopy is just a camera taking pictures of the whole procedure and the disease in my bladder.
So I will have another cystoscopy with hydrodistention on May 22, 2017. Hopefully this one will reset my bladder. If it doesn’t, I could be going through it again in 6 weeks to 3 months. I’m not happy about it. I have to find a positive. What could that be? Here is one, I have a chance of having tolerable pain for a year with this procedure. I also get to see my nurse friends at the outpatient area of the hospital. They make me smile. More than one positive!
Over the years I could have become a very bitter person due to illness. I’ve been unhealthy most of my life. There was a short time during my 20s when I was at my healthiest, but it vanished rather quickly. And slowly I’ve become a very unhealthy person.
I do what I can to maintain what health I have. I’m not exposed to chemicals, or substances that would make me uncomfortable. Having IC (interstitial cystitis) can be trying when you are figuring out your triggers, and I have to say I was bitter for a while, but I got past it once I accepted that this is not going away.
Now I look for the positives in life. It makes things so much easier. I don’t dwell on those that don’t want to be around me because I’m ill and I don’t get upset because I can’t do things that I once could, I don’t need to think about those things because they don’t matter any longer.
Yes, I take medication for depression, those little pills help me keep a positive outlook. I think everyone that is diagnosed with a chronic illness should be on antidepressants at some point to get them over the hump of self pity. Mine is a little deeper than self pity as I also suffer from PTSD from witnessing violence. But I had a lot of self pity before discovering how positive thoughts help me cope.
Give it a try in your daily life. No matter your pain level, look around you and find a positive. The rain is washing away the dust and dirt from the beautiful tree leaves. The sun is nourishing the plants so they grow and bloom. Which ever way it is, it is a positive. They are all around us. They are called blessings. Everyone has them and everyone needs to be reminded sometimes that they are there. Don’t lose sight of them, they will get you through everything.
Yesterday was a difficult day. I felt out of control. I bought a new Dell computer with Windows 10 and it is still blowing my mind. I like things the way I like them, so I can find what I’m looking for easily and Windows 10 is a booger at letting me have things my way. I started developing a migraine last night and had to set it aside, but thankfully, the migraine did not materialize and I only have a mild headache.
I still have a problem with the new PC or Windows 10 as it is. I do not like the bar across the top that offers a search, or fast browsing and I do not know how to get rid of it. I googled it and followed those instructions without any luck.
If you can tell me how to get rid of that bar I would greatly appreciate it. So far Windows 10 is not my friend, but the new PC is very fast and I’m slowly getting it organized.
Couldn’t we all use an apprentice? Someone to take over our chores where we leave off, or learn from our verbal instructions. Not just a house keeper that comes in and cleans once a week, because they do the same thing each time, the things that I can keep up with.
I’m talking about someone who can follow my instructions and reach the high areas that have not been touched in a long time. The top of shelves in the kitchen, that I can not reach without getting on a step stool, which is dangerous for me with my illnesses.
I have had a house keeper. She did the normal chores, but would not do the extra work I wanted done, even with an offer of extra money. She did not want to get on the step stool either.
Being chronically ill really drags me down and my housework suffers. Having someone help me reach the areas that have gone untouched for way too long would be wonderful. As I am sure it would be great for all of us that are chronically ill.
I will reach that area of the kitchen one day, those shelves will get cleaned and I will rejoice, probably with a nap. Until then, I just try not to think about it, knowing my limitations, I will have to have someone here when I do tackle that chore. Apprentice or husband, someone will be here.