Tagged: depression

Poetry

I’ve been fighting illnesses for a long time and writing poetry about them helped at one point. Unfortunately, I take a lot of medications now that squelch my creative abilities. Below are two that I wrote years ago when I first started having serious illness issues.

Tina Brown
November 22, 2002

Wake! I command you,
Rest no more.
I thrive on weakness,
Your pleading I adore.

There is no refuge,
For you from my wrath.
I’m the dictator,
Of this unchosen path.

Seek as you wish,
None will you find,
With strength or stamina,
Greater than mine.

No pill, no potion,
No bottle, no vile,
Can destroy my presence,
Only weaken a while.

But I’ll soon return,
You’ll answer to me,
For I am your master,
Forever to be.

_______________________

Mind Game
by Tina Brown 1999

So you’ve chosen this game to play,
Obviously unknowing of my abilities.
You’re unfamiliar with this territory,
Are you frightened?
You should be.
Deception is not for the weak,
Bad dreams are made of me.
I can hurt you and never lift a finger,
I can control you secretly.
I possess you as you once did me,
My wisdom is more than your strength,
My endurance will astound you,
No mercy will you reap.
Are you ready to begin?

Today’s Thoughts

It’s 3:40 a.m. and I’ve already had my cup of coffee for the day. I should not be up this early, and I will end up back in bed, exhausted. I’m always exhausted. I can’t seem to get enough rest, no matter what time I go to bed, or get up. I attribute this to having to go urinate all the time. Every 2 hours without fail, at night. (Much more often during the day.) I finally wake up enough that I don’t even try to go back to sleep. And I have things on my mind. Christmas for one. I don’t want to celebrate it with a crowd of people. I want it to be an intimate celebration with my husband. But we’ve been asked to attend the family gathering, out of town, and I don’t think we are going to make it.

My husband has to have a procedure done on Tuesday the 20th. He has 100% blockage in his left leg artery. He will need to rest afterwards and not be worried with driving. I don’t drive much because I take too many medications. Even if he does feel well enough to make the trip. I will not. I have stressed about his procedure so much that I will “crash” afterwards and be sick for about 2 weeks. That’s what my nerves do to me.

I’ve been told not to worry, but that is like telling a sapling not to grow. It is my nature, I am a worrier. I have always been and will continue to be, no matter what anyone says. I’ve suffered trauma, but that isn’t the reason I worry. It is part of me, worrying. The trauma just made it worse. It caused anxiety. I hate that word, but I have serious anxiety. I take medication for it, but it breaks through the medication and I have to do deep breathing exercises to get me through it. I know I will have many anxiety attacks before the doctor comes out and tells me everything is fine.