Hi everyone, I haven’t been present the last few days. I’ve been depressed and avoiding the computer and the activity that keeps me sane. So yes, I’ve lost track of the days and my sanity. Deep breaths here. Now, I think I can carry on.
I found a lump in one of my breasts back on the evening of February 5th and I’ve been unable to get a mammogram or any kind of testing done to get it checked out since. Either my doctor’s office won’t cooperate, or the imaging center can’t get it together, but I’m about to lose my mind. I’ve tried keeping busy with my crafting. I make junk journals and they help relieve some of the tension, then I get tired and have to go lay down for a while and my brain goes in to over drive and I lose track of all rational thoughts. So I rest my eyes a bit and then get back up to craft again. It’s a vicious cycle.
Today was a little different. The doctor’s office got it right, the imaging center got it right, then the insurance got it all wrong, so I may never get a exam to diagnose this lump. It’s so frustrating and I hate waiting for someone to call me back, it drives me crazy!
On to better news. My granddaughter, a sophomore in high school, has been recognized for her outstanding work in school and the community and she was on the front page of the news paper today. Not just on the front page, but taking up nearly all of the front page, her picture is huge and she is so beautiful! I can’t tell you how proud I am of her and her accomplishments thus far. She will go far in her education, I just feel it. She also runs track and does very well in the sport. They are in the season right now for it and she runs the mile, I think. My son told me what she runs, but I sometimes lose what he tells me before I get to write it down. Whatever distance she is running, she is doing well with it. My heart is full when it comes to her accomplishments.
My grandson is accomplished this semester too! He has some minor disabilities that have hindered him in the past but he is on track now to a successful year of school. His grades are up and he might actually make the A & B honor roll this year. That would be outstanding for him. Again, my heart is overflowing with pride.
I want to be around for a very long time to see my grand kids grow up and to do that, I need to be as healthy as I can, unfortunately, the odds are not in my favor. I presently feel so disgusted with everyone in the medical field because I can’t get the tests I need to see if what the lump could be. More than likely, it is nothing, but until they actually tell me that, I will worry. Deep breathes again and again, just don’t take away my worrying. I will keep trying to relax and think positive, but it is getting hard. I hate waiting on people and that’s what I’m doing, waiting on someone to call me with an appointment and hope that I can go soon to get the test ran that tells me I am fine.
Keep me in your positive thoughts and I’ll try to post more at a later date. Today’s word just caught my attention and I needed to vent a bit. Thanks for reading. Have a great day.
I’m currently working on two junk journals as art projects. They are journals to write in but full of items of a junk nature that you might otherwise have thrown away. Like old tea bags that have been cleaned and stamped on, or scraps of paper of any nature that you might come across that fit to the theme of the journal.
The theme of one journal is nature. It is full of flowers, butterflies, bugs, gardens and things that are just beautiful to me. I will be able to write in it in various areas around these beautiful pictures and make this journal a beautiful place to express my feelings or my goals and dreams. Whatever the nature of your desires to write in a journal, having one that is homemade is more pleasing than a store bought one, at least that is my opinion.
It won’t take me long to make them. I already have the book parts made, by removing the guts of old books and putting in my own pages, and covering the old books with fabric and paper, I have a very pretty journal coming along nicely and a very dark journal coming along as well. I will add things to them that affect my day to day living and things that give me comfort… or pain. They will be about me, for me and for my eyes only. The dark journal will be about depression in nature. The things that put me in a bad place and hold me there with me fighting to get back on a positive track. And the pretty journal will be what brought me out of that dark place. But I think I need to know the nature of my darkness before I can fight it efficiently.
I actually know many things during this time of year that have happened in the past that have made it a hard time of year for me, but I have made it through years in the past and not been affect like I am being affected this year. I’m down this year, and I’ve got to find the bottom-line nature of this depression. I’m thinking it might be my current health that is causing the problem and not anything from the past that is doing it to me. I just don’t know, but I want to find it and get rid of it and be back to my positive self. I can do this. I know I can. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. No matter the nature of the issue.
I like the word of the day writings. It makes me think about things a little differently than I would normally. It makes me pick apart my sentences and find their meaning and while doing so, I manage to read between the lines and see some issues that I’ve been avoiding, or have over looked that might be things I’m not dealing with properly. This gives me the idea to start writing immediately in my journal(s) to get the thoughts down and start working for the solution. Just that alone is a positive. Working to help oneself is a positive, even though I’m still down in the dumps, I can work towards a positive outcome. And that’s the nature of this post, to find a positive outcome. Have a great day, think positive thoughts and take positive action. Peace! ~Tina
I approve this message. I hear this over and over on the television. The candidates are always saying this after they have done their campaigning. Why do they have to say this? If they are the ones saying it, of course they approve it. It’s silly to me. That’s my political comment for the day.
On another note, I’ve been trying to occupy my mind with things that make me happy. I’m having a hard time at it. My psychologist told me that I’ve been holding on to my PTSD too long and it’s time for me to get over it. I do not approve this type of statement. It is hurtful, it is unreasonable, it is down right unprofessional for her to say such a thing and I will be confronting her next visit.
I witnessed a fatal stabbing, something that devastated me and changed me, completely! I went through such severe bouts of depression and fear that I wouldn’t go outside my house except to get to my therapist who was actually helping me, but it wasn’t the therapist I’m seeing now. I don’t approve of the one I’m seeing now, but she is the only one that will take my insurance, that I can find, and she is 150 miles away from me. My husband has to drive me that far away so I can sit for 1 hour and be lectured on why I should be over my PTSD by now. I hate to tell her that it isn’t going away. And since she said that, it has gotten worse, I’m having flashbacks, nightmares and am down right scared to death that I will be set out into the world without a therapist because they don’t want to deal with me any longer. Yes, it has been a very long time, but does it ever really go away? I mean in reality, does it go away? Have the Vietnam Vets lost their PTSD? How about the Dessert Storm Vets? How about the WWII Vets? 911 victims? I don’t think so! So why should I be required to get over my PTSD because I was the only one in a large area of workers that was affected by it? I wasn’t. I was just the only one that reported it and got help. I heard of other people being affected by it. I heard that they struggled with depression and anxiety and found other jobs, but they didn’t get help like I did. I was in a job position that allowed me to get help that didn’t allow them to get the same help. I won’t give up my therapy due to one idiot therapists suggestion. I will find another therapist if need be, but I won’t give up. I’m not over this and I don’t approve of her thinking I should be over it.
Thank you for reading my post. I have very little positive when it comes to this issue. Well, I can’t think of any positive. It brings me down, it hurts me and it makes me depressed to think of it. I’ll close now, have a good day and thank you again for reading my post. ~ Tina
I’ve been fighting illnesses for a long time and writing poetry about them helped at one point. Unfortunately, I take a lot of medications now that squelch my creative abilities. Below are two that I wrote years ago when I first started having serious illness issues.
November 22, 2002
Wake! I command you,
Rest no more.
I thrive on weakness,
Your pleading I adore.
There is no refuge,
For you from my wrath.
I’m the dictator,
Of this unchosen path.
Seek as you wish,
None will you find,
With strength or stamina,
Greater than mine.
No pill, no potion,
No bottle, no vile,
Can destroy my presence,
Only weaken a while.
But I’ll soon return,
You’ll answer to me,
For I am your master,
Forever to be.
by Tina Brown 1999
So you’ve chosen this game to play,
Obviously unknowing of my abilities.
You’re unfamiliar with this territory,
Are you frightened?
You should be.
Deception is not for the weak,
Bad dreams are made of me.
I can hurt you and never lift a finger,
I can control you secretly.
I possess you as you once did me,
My wisdom is more than your strength,
My endurance will astound you,
No mercy will you reap.
Are you ready to begin?
It’s 3:40 a.m. and I’ve already had my cup of coffee for the day. I should not be up this early, and I will end up back in bed, exhausted. I’m always exhausted. I can’t seem to get enough rest, no matter what time I go to bed, or get up. I attribute this to having to go urinate all the time. Every 2 hours without fail, at night. (Much more often during the day.) I finally wake up enough that I don’t even try to go back to sleep. And I have things on my mind. Christmas for one. I don’t want to celebrate it with a crowd of people. I want it to be an intimate celebration with my husband. But we’ve been asked to attend the family gathering, out of town, and I don’t think we are going to make it.
My husband has to have a procedure done on Tuesday the 20th. He has 100% blockage in his left leg artery. He will need to rest afterwards and not be worried with driving. I don’t drive much because I take too many medications. Even if he does feel well enough to make the trip. I will not. I have stressed about his procedure so much that I will “crash” afterwards and be sick for about 2 weeks. That’s what my nerves do to me.
I’ve been told not to worry, but that is like telling a sapling not to grow. It is my nature, I am a worrier. I have always been and will continue to be, no matter what anyone says. I’ve suffered trauma, but that isn’t the reason I worry. It is part of me, worrying. The trauma just made it worse. It caused anxiety. I hate that word, but I have serious anxiety. I take medication for it, but it breaks through the medication and I have to do deep breathing exercises to get me through it. I know I will have many anxiety attacks before the doctor comes out and tells me everything is fine.