Venting

I was up at 2:00 a.m., who gets up at 2:00 a.m.? People that have to go to work at 3 maybe, but geez, I’m disabled and I need sleep, I’m exhausted all of the time, and yet I can’t sleep. The best I can do, no matter, day or night, is nap. I get 2 hours in and have to get up to pee. Actually, I’m lucky to get 2 hours in before having to get up. Interstitial cystitis is a pain in my life. I get so angry about it sometimes, then I realize, there is nothing I can do about it and I’m wasting valuable energy with anger, so I take some deep breaths and try to get past the negative feelings. I’m lucky I don’t have too may flares, but now that I’ve said that, I’ll probably go into one.

Fibromyalgia has been kicking my butt lately too. I think the lack of sleep is playing a big role in how fibro affects me. How could it not? No rest, no relaxation, tension and overworked muscles. I’m in knots.

I try to write positive posts, but today I’m not feeling it. I still feel a bit angry that I’m up so early and wide awake. I’ve paid a few bills, placed an order for an aromatherapy diffuser, which by the way, does help with my mood, and I’ve emailed a friend. All before 4:00 a.m. I’m on a roll. Maybe I can cook or clean house…nah, I don’t have the energy for that nonsense. I must remember to allot my energy bursts to absolute necessities. Laundry and a shower. I might accomplish those things before turning into a pumpkin.

I have more pressing things that I need to be working on. Taxes. We go long form every year and get a good refund. This year should be the same, if I work hard and find all of the deductions. I can do it while in bed, or reclining, but I can’t do it if I don’t have a brain in my head from lack of rest. I started at the first of December sorting things and adding up some deductions, but I stopped all of a sudden when I found out my husband had a 100% blockage in his leg and had to have a procedure to remove it. It shook me to my core. I don’t think I have recovered from the stress and worry that brought on. I find myself still thinking about it and worrying about it happening again and yet when I worry, I eat, not good for diabetes. Nothing is good for diabetes, seems nothing I do works to lower my numbers.

Wow, this post took a turn. I’m rambling like crazy. I just have so much going on right now and need to vent. No wonder I can’t sleep. My mind won’t shut down and I take mega medications to make it shut up at night too. Let me slow down a minute. I have less going on than I did 2 weeks ago. His leg is free of the blockage, he is home from the hospital, Christmas is behind us and yet I’m still wound up. When I finally crash, it will be horrendous. Oh joy, something to look forward to. Peace!