I’m tired, so very tired. I try to keep up with the family and enjoy our time together, but I can’t. I become lethargic and the brain fog sets in. I get so exhausted so quickly. I often wonder if I will ever have any energy again. I take supplements to help but they just make my bladder hurt, so I don’t take them daily. B12 really hurts my badder. I’ll try breaking it into quarters next to see if that helps any.
I used to be vibrant, alive and fast paced. Now I’m the slowest of the bunch. Dragging behind in everything, from playing games to carrying on a conversation. My thoughts become muddled, misconstrued at times. Only my husband can completely understand what I say all the time and understands my struggles to be involved and communicate coherently. When around people, I have to stop and think before I speak to make sure I have the right words so I do not offend anyone, though that is not my intention, some wear their feelings on their sleeves and I have to walk on egg shells around them. I prefer not to be around those people. And that causes hurt feelings. It makes me tired, exhausted, from all the worry of stepping on toes, or not stepping on toes by not attending functions. It’s a no win situation.
Thankfully, I am at a crashing point. I can forget all of it and put it behind me and rest. Christmas is over, no more obligations, no more disappointing people, no more trying to feel good when I don’t. I always say, New Year’s is my favorite holiday because no one expects anything from me. I don’t have to go anywhere, do anything in particular or buy anything specific. My husband and I will have our simple meal together and relax in front of the TV.
Don’t get me wrong, as so many people do, I enjoy the time I spend with others, I just don’t feel like I fit in because I’m struggling to keep up with the pace of everyone else.
Being chronically ill is a hardship I have to bare, I’ve adjusted my life around it, but not everyone takes it into consideration all the time and I push myself to a breaking point to keep up. I have learned to say, “no”, but I can not always implement it. There are circumstances that require a “yes”, no matter how I physically feel.
I guess if my illnesses were not invisible, people would have more consideration towards my plight, but presently, the invisible illnesses are just that, invisible. Invisible to those I love. To those I need to understand and to those that are too young to understand.
I will be going back to the doctor soon for another test for Cushing’s Syndrome. If they could prove I have it, I feel things would become better for me along the way as it gets treated. It’s hard to ‘wish’ for a disease but it is hard not to considering the illnesses it might remove from my list should they remove a Cushing’s tumor.
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