It’s 3:40 a.m. and I’ve already had my cup of coffee for the day. I should not be up this early, and I will end up back in bed, exhausted. I’m always exhausted. I can’t seem to get enough rest, no matter what time I go to bed, or get up. I attribute this to having to go urinate all the time. Every 2 hours without fail, at night. (Much more often during the day.) I finally wake up enough that I don’t even try to go back to sleep. And I have things on my mind. Christmas for one. I don’t want to celebrate it with a crowd of people. I want it to be an intimate celebration with my husband. But we’ve been asked to attend the family gathering, out of town, and I don’t think we are going to make it.
My husband has to have a procedure done on Tuesday the 20th. He has 100% blockage in his left leg artery. He will need to rest afterwards and not be worried with driving. I don’t drive much because I take too many medications. Even if he does feel well enough to make the trip. I will not. I have stressed about his procedure so much that I will “crash” afterwards and be sick for about 2 weeks. That’s what my nerves do to me.
I’ve been told not to worry, but that is like telling a sapling not to grow. It is my nature, I am a worrier. I have always been and will continue to be, no matter what anyone says. I’ve suffered trauma, but that isn’t the reason I worry. It is part of me, worrying. The trauma just made it worse. It caused anxiety. I hate that word, but I have serious anxiety. I take medication for it, but it breaks through the medication and I have to do deep breathing exercises to get me through it. I know I will have many anxiety attacks before the doctor comes out and tells me everything is fine.
Invisible Illnesses 